Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Embryos Can’t Ride Unicycles: Why Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis Are Lesser Men

Following up on FSC’s initial coverage of Unicon XIII (the Unicycle World Championship), there sadly are still no reported results from the downhill event (although check out this video for a rough idea of the inherent coolness that is Mountain biking on one wheel). However, that doesn’t mean that nothing has happened in other events.

In the obstacle course (this is a bad picture of someone about to race an obstacle course), John Foss won the gold. Foss, for those who aren’t in the one-wheeled know, is one of the world’s most renowned unicyclists. Although Europe seems to have embraced unicycling more than Americans, Foss is perhaps not only the best unicyclist in America but also the world. Doubt it? Check out his some of his greatest hits.

A tradition of unicycling – whether for competition or hobby – is the slow backward. This is so traditional that anyone of a woman born is eligible, age zero on up. Embryos, sadly, need not apply. Depending on what side of the abortion debate you land on, you might believe that life begins at conception, but unicycling doesn’t begin till birth. The results are indicative of the competition’s extreme popularity. In fact, there are so many results, I can’t tell who won any age or gender group. So congrats to everyone, I guess. Check the results for yourself. Get back to me if you can make heads or tails of them. Some of it is actually in German.

Check out Foss’s website as well as the results from the slow backward event. They show what kind of community unicycling has fostered as a sport… quite frankly it’s a little bizarre and has got more than its fair share of freaks. But it’s passionate. Every sport should be so lucky. Find some videos on the web; Youtube has plenty (including my favorite, Unicycle Jousting). You might be impressed (or at least highly amused) and inspired to keep watching or even riding.

Remember: real men only need one wheel. What does that mean in the grand scheme of things? Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong are pussies. Long live Unicon.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lance Armstrong a pussy?
Please, do not insult my heroe. He's #1 and the best cyclist ever. Of course there's Mercx and others but Lance is in my cycling times, so I love him.

3:21 PM  

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